An Englishman abroad – My Night with Helene Fischer at Olympiastadion

What is Schlagermusik? We don't have it in England, I know that. But even after having lived in Berlin and worked with German music for the past 5 years, I still don't think I really know how to describe it. You may question therefore whether I would be the most qualified person to review Helene Fischer's sellout Farbenspiel show at the Olympic Stadium, and maybe that's the point: a fresh perspective! Maybe it's just Mit Vergnügen's joke at my expense. Anyway, I went there and got confused for the evening, and here are some thoughts I had to share with you on the matter.

6.45pm
I am trapped in a hot S-Bahn full of Helene Fischer's fans, my face pressed against the glass, suffocating in the heat – this is going to be a long evening.

7.10pm
We arrive at the Olympic Stadium. As the doors open and we flood out onto the platform I hear an odd groaning sound around me – the kind old people make when they sit down. It's the sound of my fellow concert-goers exiting the train into fresh air. As I turn round, I'm almost knocked over by two ladies with their walking-frames. It then occurs to me that Helene Fischer is perhaps not the voice of German youth.

7.25pm
Entering the stadium, the magnitude of Helene's fan base is apparent. 60.000 people, and the same tomorrow night! How can I still not really know who this person is yet?

7.26pm
At the souvenir stand, I see a poster of the woman herself, the Helene Fischer: a nice looking lady. Attractive but in a sort of squeaky clean, perfect housewife sort of way. I'd half expect to see her on TV selling yoghurt.

7.28pm
I hear the warm-up band begin. They were scheduled for 7.30pm! Man, these Germans are punctual.

7.35pm
Ducking and diving through the labyrinth of the stadium to find my seat. Groups of fans seem to have organised themselves into uniformed-teams with names like the Helene Fischer Ultra's or Helene's Black Squad.

7.45pm
Finally find my seat “Gegentribüne 25.1 Reihe 26 Platz 7” – sounds like those letters you get from the tax office.

7.57pm
OMG! A dude in Lederhosen!

8.18pm
Glasperlenspiel (“Glass pearl game”??), the warm-up band, have finished and we are now waiting for Helene. People in their excitement have started clapping rhythmically and are doing Mexican waves.

8.23pm
Onto our 8th Mexican wave. Getting annoying.

8.31pm
We begin! Helene is being introduced by a guy in red trousers who looks like a gameshow host. It appears he is here to offer us instructions on how to experience the concert. First: We should download the official Helene Fischer app. Second: There shall be three levels of applause, with ascending levels of volume.

8.38pm
A group countdown to the beginning of the show. “Zehn”, “Neun”, “Acht”, etc. Level 3 Applause!

8.39pm
Apparently it was actually a countdown to ANOTHER countdown. This one a minute! It produces the desired effect though as the stadium is literally shaking!

8.40pm
Fire! Smoke! Fireworks! Streamers firing into the audience! Not even the second coming would be this exciting.

8.41pm
There's Helene! She looks like a trophy, wearing a kind of seventies superhero outfit with golden boots and a flowing golden dress that has the power to make more fire come out of the stage when she gestures. Crowd goes wild.

9.02pm
Helene stops to talk to her fans. Then she tries to take a photo of us with her iPad, but actually takes a selfie by mistake. Awww bless.

9.10pm
Accordion-type music kicks in. Teenage girl next to me gets very excited and begins slapping her thigh rhythmically.

9.21pm
Costume change, and now Helene looks like Bowie in Labyrinth. More fireworks, and then a performance piece that pulls out every trick in the book: classical music mixed with 80s drums; ballet that turns into break dancing; dancers on stilts; energetic-type dancing people on treadmills; an army of girls with matching “Sia” haircuts. Too much, Helene, too much.

9.55pm
After a montage of some American pop music, now it's time for another performance piece. Some people on stage begin putting together a sort of flower. Will Helene come out of it?

9.59pm
She does! Brilliant!

10.18pm
Now Helene is flying. Not just a little bit over the stage, I mean proper flying over the stadium.

10.22pm
She's landed onto a smaller stage in the middle of the stadium, and begins to sing a more folky number with acoustic guitar and cajon accompaniment. It seems to be all a bit too much for her as she sheds a tear, but then stops crying during the violin solo and just looks around, grinning like someone who's just found out they're pregnant. I miss the pyrotechnics.

10.44pm
More flying and the show ends. What? No “Atemlos”? The one song I have heard of?! Is she trying to be Germany's Kate Bush, by not playing the hits her fans want? Dih-sah-pointed.

10.46pm
The encores, of course. She finishes with the words “Das war Farbenspiel 2015. Gute Nacht und Tschüss”. STILL NO ATEMLOS?????!!!!!! #^&¡!!

10.51pm
Turns out it was just a joke. Of course she'll play “Atemlos”. A lot. First there's “Atemlos” unplugged, then regular “Atemlos” which slows down to a kind of half-time “Atemlos” followed by the chorus of “Atemlos” another 4 times. Applause Level 30!

11.19pm
People around me now seem satisfied. Even though Helene hasn't actually said goodbye properly yet, people are already heading for the door. Rush for the S-Bahn!

A day later and I still can't get Helene's music out of my head. So damn catchy. For better or for worse, Germany has found its own diva; a kind of Céline von Dion. And like most divas, she makes music that doesn't change the world, but is perfect for singing along to ironically at weddings. Good clean German fun.

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Titelfoto: © Wikipedia Commons